Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
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If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Running from your problems is cardio .
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never