[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
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Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.