I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
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Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.