Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
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Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.