Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
You Might Also Like
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
buying dead houseplants to save time
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
This hospital has everything
Not messing around
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.