This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
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Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.