When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
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[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper