There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
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Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*