Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
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When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.