Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”