[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
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starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
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Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
is this store having a stroke wtf
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song