the prophecies have been fulfilled
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If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit