“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
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My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.