ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
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Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.