Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
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I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.