Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
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Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something