The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
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Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
lmfao come on
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Mummies are just super modest zombies
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle