9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
You Might Also Like
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”