I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
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One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything