My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
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I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
I just love that new Pope smell.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
courtroom exchange of the day
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.