My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
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If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.