I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
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I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you