Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
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If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
My patience has stretch marks.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”