Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
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growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Cartman: Respect my
a a
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.