It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
You Might Also Like
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.