[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
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“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.