Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
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Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Finally! 😈
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
BETRAYAL
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one