It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
You Might Also Like
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
the only bumper sticker ill allow
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.