Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
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Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
*Seductively hides in the woods
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X