Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
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Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
I hate when that happens.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
synchronized noseblowing
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.