Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
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Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc