“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
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I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.