i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
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[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Introverted vegans go meetless
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
yea so i messed up lol
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.