Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
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HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
ok like just. call me at this point
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?