You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
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Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
constantly working on myself.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.