If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
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i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”