I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
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You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
This fish is cracking me up
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.