Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
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WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
🚲+physics = winner
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍