Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
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The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours