Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
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[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Goodnight 🐶
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase