Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
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What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Lmao
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”