Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
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*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.