Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
You Might Also Like
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way