The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
You Might Also Like
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.