having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
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You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher