Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
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It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times