The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
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It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Am I having a stroke?
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Just as the prophecy foretold
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.