Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
You Might Also Like
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?