Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
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I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
$4 #usedbooks
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.