Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
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There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving